In the woods

There I go again. A little girl lost in the woods. I thought I passed those oak trees already. I mean hello!! How did I get back here. Here where the light is too bright and the smile so far to fetch. You know here. Again. A book I am reading has helped this time around. The 7 Stages of Self Awakening – Robin Sharma. An impulsive buy I will never regret, which says that at times in life things happen to bring our attention to something in our lives. Like how you keep getting hang over even when you say you will never do so again and do a very smart job at quitting drinking only to one day cave in - and you guessed it - wake up with a pounding headache, or how you swear on some unfortunate someone’s grave that you will be more careful with your finances only to find a carrier bag of things you don’t need in your hands, no change and bills to pay.
Anyway, apparently life, God, the universe is on a mission to get you and I to be the best we can be and sometimes some pain, some events seem to repeat themselves for this very purpose. You keep losing friends, your feet must have some funny deal going with the rug cos u keep tripping on it, and so on and so forth. You get the picture. Basically it all boils down to the fact if you find yourself in the same situation over and over it is because you are failing to learn what you must learn and are yet to learn to react differently or to even arrange things differently.
Maybe if we paid more attention to our pain than to what kind of sympathy we are going to get for it we will learn something about life and will have transformed in such a way as to not even experience that pain again. And so that is why…I am in the woods again, going past that oak tree but so much more in tune.
Because I don’t know my next step and no one will sympathise with me I am forced to look at this oak tree, so big and bulky and try to understand its DNA, its positioning here. I mean does it like being here? Lumbering like that? In my way? Don’t the other oak trees compete with it. And I'm forced to realize that indeed there is more to life than me and I am to learn more than what this pain is trying to say.
This pain tells me I have lost. This pain says I must be the most useless person in the world. But its reason is very different from the pain I had last time I walked past that oak tree. And what I learn as I turn and look at my tree again is that though physically empty I know now that my body is a temple. A delicious place for delicious things. Not to be entered anyhow, deserving of clean feet and proper curtsy.
Why it takes a cut to know these things I will never know. I guess pain is indeed the only way we are able to learn. And the wound is deep and yes I am passing in the woods yet again. But to know what I know is life itself.
I have been given the will to live because I am now indebted to my pain. It has taught me why life is important and why this too shall pass. My little girl in the woods experience is me seeing who I have truly been and wanting to never ever be that way again.
I now notice how looking at my hand I could not see it for what it is. Wanting so bad to love and be loved I was never aware what love really means. And I am led to think perhaps I must be in the woods a while longer if I am to not pass this way again. Perhaps this time in searching my heart and soul for the tools I may use in love I will also make sure I understand how to show love. For in this greatest of searches I find that I have shown love exactly the way I always have and am not surprised to come out the way I did before.
This time, these woods better knock me out before letting me go.

A newness

The newness of today speaks volumes. Its lining the tops of every hill and shaking the branch of every tree. This is because when He wants to do something He makes it as plain as possible. I stand here alone no attachments, no fears. No nothing. Because I figured it out not too long ago that it is pointless to worry. I have no control over anything. I am a mere vessel of goodness and truth and all I do if led by me usually come s under the label of mistake. So why not cast all my burdens on my God who said I was worth giving life and has never let me down.

28 is no joke. It’s the in-between. I look forward to 30 so I can see what they mean by labeling it the peak of living. I look backward at the last 28 years and simply appreciate that I have lived and made it through. Having acquired the fear and pains and surprises and joys that I have, my son especially, I am saying ok….lets see what can happen if I let go. If I stand naked…will I not be clothed? If I stand alone will I not be accompanied? Surely I am alive to experience much more than I thought.

It was never a husband, or a home, or a car or success. Those were never my answer. My answer lay in the skies all along...and in the ground where I will one day go. My answer lays in the fact that it matters not whether I live. What does matter is whether I live.

When you spend time looking for happiness you ignore all the ready made joy there is. When you waste time wanting someone to make you a somebody you sell your soul bit by bit and it is no wonder that many of us find ourselves empty at the end of a relationship or even in the middle. It is no wonder many of us have forgotten the smell of rain and the feel of hope.

Who would have thought that the best way to take control of ones life was to let go. Let go of that man you cant figure out. Let go of that girl relationships turn you into. Let go of that pain. Let go of that fear. Let go of all the madness that comes with chasing the wind. And let live. Make a list, tick it off but remember that no matter how hard you plan...it will not ever materialize if it was not thus intended.

If a certain thing is meant to take place how come numerous incidents come along to derail you? If that thing really is for you how come it doesn’t feel so great to have it? For everything there is a reason and a purpose and a season. Mistakes, hurt, progress, shame. Let them have their course. That is what I have earned. Because if there is one thing I would truly regret it would be wasted life. A wasted moment and a wasted waste.

Life is just about living. Stop pushing it will take you with it. Stop pulling it will fall on you.

How I got myself back

I am a member of Family Clinic Ministries Malawi. It is a non profit Christian organization led by Pastor Constance Masamba of Living Waters International Church. If I go into the whole story of how I found her I might just start crying and not write at all so I will just dive into the reason I mention it.

Family Clinic is a structure every society needs if we are to see a healthy society surface in this day of decay. Women of all social standing and identity wise enough to hear of and act on it can attest to how even one meeting with pastor Constance makes the difference between life and death.

There are things in life and decisions in life that just fail to take proper form because of who we are and how we relate to life. For this reason we all need someone who will speak life into our minds and cause us to see what was always there.

The philosophy behind family clinic is that the one seeking help is the one that must be transformed. And that is how powerful one meeting can be.

I went looking to see my troubles scorned at and banged into better shape. Instead I was scorned at and am getting into my proper shape. With text taken from the bible my entire soul has begun to take a form I never imagined would feel so right.

Everything I thought I was has ceased to matter. No one knows who they are until they meet truth and life. Until somone says you are alive for a purpose and you should spend more time discovering that purpose than constructing a future which might not even be yours.

You cannot know who you truly are and where you truly belong until you accept yourself fully. Until you see your faults, see your good qualities and embrace them all. Until you accept the fact that you talk too much, shout at times and judge others mercilessly. Until you accept that that is how your nose is going to be shaped and this is the laughter you were born with. Until you know who your parents are in every aspect of the word parent. You have not even begun to live.

Many of us waste entire lives modeling something we are not. Striving for things that only sidetrack us from the real spice of life. Many of us realize too late and I can tell you that being exactly that is what got me to be a single mom. It wasn’t part of my plan to raise a son that will not share a home with mom and dad. It never occurred to me. But I filled my head with ambitions and hopes that had nothing to do with my reality and I got burnt.

It is at Family Clinic where in accepting where I am now, I have also realised how deluded one can be when they are living but not fully conscious of who they are. And who you are is a global phenomenon really: you are a creation of the most high. Sent to be a million things to just as many people and 100 per cent responsible for any outcome.

If you are going to be a mean and rude person, do not be surprised that people will crack the champagne and even spit at you grave. If you are going to be overly sacrificial don’t be surprised if you are left decaying before your time and if you are going to be the best you can be the smile on your face will indeed be yours alone and others can bask in it if they want.

The bottom line is you know who you are when you know who you are and your life is only your life when you take responsibility of everything in it; the way your friends, parents, children, and society treat you is part of that. And if you do not like the way things are only you have the power to change them and only then do you truly start living.

Self control and your future

‘A soft answer turns away wrath but grevious words stir up anger’ Proverbs 15: 1.

I think I am one of the most angry people I know. There are reasons to that. It’s not by choice. But I am and I acknowledge it. Through lessons at Family Clinic Ministries at Manase, Blantyre I have learned how foolish an angry person is.

You spark at every slight provocation which means that you can even imagine a battle where there is none. You say the most atrocious things. Which means you spend twice the time it took to say them, taking them back and you can even kill and that is scary.

Why people get angry is not as relevant as what anger is. Anger is a destructive emotion not to be taken lightly. It exists, we cannot ignore that. But like love it must be controlled. Just like you cannot truly love everyone you must learn to not be angry at everything. There are something’s you need not react to.

At Family Clinic lesson number one is self control. Learn who you are and learn what triggers what and start reacting the way you would like to be perceived. It means that if you know that by shouting you become a fool. Stop being foolish. Tone that voice down and structure those words so they have the impact but not your soul in them.

It si anger that has made many lose their very lives. It is angry words that have shut many hopes. And our generation needs to start becoming aware of the consequences of our actions.

Many people believe that letting things come out of their mouths is proof of life and power but in actual fact there is a lot of foolishness in speaking anyhow. Do you even hear what you are saying or you juts say it. Were it said to you would you want to be in that place?

So why do so many of us say so many ugly things and still expect people to want to be around us? You get what you give and there are some people who may seem to absorb what you are saying very well but will one day react in a way that will completely knock you out. That is because our words plant their content. This is because our actions invite reactions. And anger is not a nice thing to generate.

An angry person is a dead person. They do not care about others, they do not worry about tomorrow. They are selfish beings who want what they want when they want it and forsake the rest. That is why you find them friendless, unloved, lonely and simply angry.

In an angry heart God’s spirit cannot reside. For anger reject many things. It reject reality, it reject others and it says how dare you even think of existing. And that is no recipe for joy. I often get surprised that I get shocked when I speak rudely and get rude responses. Till today, because lets face it Rome wasn’t built in a day, I am trying to understand why certain things don’t go my way knowing full well that at some point I was not nice. And it is not because people are unforgiving that this thing occurs but it is because I let an emotion get the best of me and have lost.

You can lose an entire future if you let yourself be angry.

No safety nets

When I got pregnant I was 24. Great age someone may say. But it seems that no matter how old you are if you are not married you know nothing, which I can attest to. I mean I heard the words, I was expecting to hear them and I accepted them but I didn’t not really understand. And surprisingly I was asked what I was going to do. At one place where I want to triple confirm I was even offered a chance to rethink and act.

And who would blame them. There was a clueless girl from Likuni who just happened to have a chance in a lifetime to travel and see more of life, pregnant. Did I know what I was doing? Certainly not. No one knows what it means when they hear they are pregnant. There is no way you can completely grasp the sharing of your body, identity, soul, life, mind and future with a helpless being. For what seems like way too long you go everywhere with someone you hardly know, someone whose arrival you cannot even comprehend. I mean…how does that miracle take place? How does a place in your body make room for someone else?

What if you fall? What if you eat something wrong? Its seven months now what if they stop moving? What will they look like, speak like? Did you take the right vitamins? That wedding seems to be way too illusive now what are you going to do with a baby?

This must be the part that determine whether one will have extreme baby rejection or not. The acceptance before the reality of child birth sinks i. I like to think that this is a worry for single women alone. But I realize some well companioned women also go through the panic. After all, a child is a child and when it comes…well. Nothing can ever be the same. Not even your body should you lose weight. Most certainly not the way you were.

So yea. I got pregnant. I carried my son and I gave birth to him. 3.7kg. we have hardly reached the stage where I can say look at the huge thing I achieved. But I know now why a child deserves to live. Why he came into my life. I was reckless, I was scattered I had no real perception of life. I’m still rebellious but I know now the beginning and possible end of life. The costs of life should you make the wrong choices. The cost of leaving your life in anyone’s hands but God.

In fact I think the label of single mom is irrelevant. Some unmarried moms are way better mothers than those who managed to do it ‘right’. And I would do it all over again. To gain the inch of understanding and wisdom that I have by simply saying yes to my own actions.

A mother I am. A mother I want to always be. And each day I pray that I become better at it. I have bought books. I gave up asking form others long ago because what I have with my child is unique and is that way for any women and child. And I really applaud anyone that is a mother. Perhaps not by choice, and perhaps not in a way they ever thought they would be. But a mother because of the ability to say yes to life and see what it can bring.

Its not easy. When all you were dies building it up again is very risky business. Which brings to my mind the fortune there could be in it all. Who gets to rebuild their lives this intimately? Why is it that single mom’s feel like their lives are over when in reality they have just begun?

I mean this is the chance you get to make better choices. To really know who you are. To really understand what life is all about. There are no safety nets like marriage and very accepting parents to shield you. This is the one chance you have to arise and claim your place. To know that it is okay to be who you are. If your child managed to become one among the living then surely the same reason and purpose applies to you. And yes…after the birth you do become two separate beings. And unless you claim your place you stand to lose both yours and that child’s future.

I can add up all the time that has passed since conception to four years and I can tell you that it has taken me that long to learn what I want to share. My hope after all is that others do it in a shorter period. And others don’t go through it at all.

Its not easy being a single mom

There are moments in life when it is easy to think that one is the only one going through something. A man suddenly retrenched asking himself why he didn’t think of saving all this time, a woman with a very healthy lifestyle suddenly finding out she has cancer, a girl in love finding herself pregnant. The strange cries are always ‘why me’ and yes many motivational speakers may say it should actually be ‘why not me’ but the fact is that it is not only you.

There is no way that any experience in life can be 100 per cent unique. It is the individual that is unique. It is the soul that perhaps did not expect the circumstances to arise and is made up so different that it is bound to react different. This may justify the feeling that it is only you that is going through this thing but in actual fact ten hands can be raised at a single expression of that feeling.

My focus on this blog is on women aged whatever, that find themselves raising a child or children on their own. They be biological or not, whether by choice or by force. If you find yourself responsible for someone else’s life when you hardly have a grip on your own and are now having to pick up the pieces of who you were, who you are and who you want to be.

The first thing I can say about this state of being is what I have just said: you are not alone. There are many others like you. Who planned or did not plan to raise someone and are doing so because they chose to do the right thing and keep that life. This is not to make any stance where the decision to keep a pregnancy or not is concerned but to be realistic and face up to life when life happens.

We recently read in the news that 39 female students at Chancellor college feel pregnant during the forced April to July 2011 break , and according to Dr. Zacchaeus Mathema in the book Single and Gifted by Jeffrey Brown in one university in Kenya 50 per cent of the female students who enroll each year cut their academic careers short by pregnancies.

This means that there are a lot of women out there who find themselves with a life growing inside of them that go through the death and resurrection carrying a life demands of you.

It is this group of people that is ignored, taken for granted, pushed close to the edge and when it comes to any movement, s almost forgotten.

I am talking about the women, the individuals who have dreams and are forced to put them aside in order to accommodate a new life, those souls who find themselves in debt because of that weird denial that comes with life after the birth and those members of society who for years have not known whether they were worthy or not because they gave up all rights the day they said yes to life.

The road is long when you are a single mom and few know that it can be shared and it can. In fact it must if we are to save an entire generation of not only women but children. Children who did not choose to live but are alive anyway and stand to be broken should their only source of hope be broken.

Its not easy being a single mom.

Every princess deserves a prince

I’ve spent days and nights wondering when my prince would come. That is a very familiar line. I wrote it almost five years ago when I was young and naïve. But today I find that it still applies because any normal girl must think about her prince.

When life happens and you find yourself with child and no husband you die and say ‘I am done’. The hopes of a good man perish and all you can think is how good it would be if all men were lined up and shot so that women can live in peace. Or at least those pretending that everything is ok can at least agree with you that perhaps Prince Charming isn’t all he was cut out to be. I mean what a vicious rumour!!

How could you ever believe that there is a man out there tailor made for you who will sweep you into his arms and only leave a mark if he is the one. Why did they not warn you that the wrong ones also leave a mark? A permanent one if you are secretly a coward and unable to rub it away quick enough. How could anyone spread such nonsense? You start to think a lot of things until one day you come to realize that the rumour was already programmed inside of you. Which means that if it wasn’t someone telling you that you need a hero it is you telling someone how much a hero can bring.

Before you know it, as angry, single and pregnant as you are you start to notice that you cannot do life alone. Not if it means having only your married friends to flaunt their success, your single mom friends to load you with new degrees of worry or your single friends to flaunt their independence. You just can’t do it alone and you need a special kind of friend to ease the burden.

It is at this point that many single mothers lose or gain it. The options are limitless. You are now going to find a man who is very unavailable but willing to share your empty space and entertain your fear of men; you will find a single guy who is looking for love but isn’t too sure about your extra baggage, you will find generous sperm donors twin brother looking for a little rustle with no strings attached, you will find a really nice guy with all the qualifications but no goals, you will find a really good guy, perfect for the job but a little voice inside your head telling you to do all the wrong things.

Basically all the men you met while single and carefree you will find this end but it is up to you to know where you are on the spectrum of love. It all easy to say one day you will ifnd a prince. And it is allowed for you to keep on believing that until you find him. But what happens is that many young women who fall pregnant out of wedlock fall into the darkest abbys that without any assistance loosk to swallow them whole and not even spit a bone out.

I myself had to be warned that if I stop believing in a prince I will become a woman for every man. But how many women in this situation have such an opportunity? And how many still understand this notion. Very few.

Very g=few single moms understand that they have the power to be amazing human beings. The power to live their lives again without thinking themselves second best. Anyone can think themselves damaged good if they want. They be virgin or not. Anyone. And the secret lies in what you mean when you say you want to fins a prince. Is this prince supposed to make life worthy for you or is this prince the last piece of the complete puzzle?

I mean you try to explain it and you try to get yourself to grasp it that it is ok to believe in prince charming because honestly speaking you yourself are a queen. Many young women have become lost in the maze of love because they believe that someone out there must make them special in order for them to feel special. They must say sweet nothings to you if your day is to shine, they must be everything to you if life is to be worth living…and perhaps that is why many young women are easily conned into having sex with a man that is simply having sex.

Is it any wonder then that many single moms and many young women do not even dare to believe that one day a prince will come to their aid? Not to give them life but to walk with them side by side? If you are going around believing that it is too late “I am raising a child alone because I believed in a lie”. Or think that it is too soon. That if you pretend not to care long enough then a good man might just materialize from somewhere. You are going to live to regret it. Because when loneliness creeps in you will find yourself pretending to still be waiting while life happens to you and you fall deeper into trouble.

Life may not be a fairy tell but I will tell you the truth that prince charming exist and you better believe it. However he comes only when you are thinking and living like a princess. A woman who knows where she is coming from and where she is going. Who has made her mistakes and wears them like a tiara.

Are you saying that you are wrong, unworthy and undesirable because of decisions that you made? If decisions make us then is the next best thing death? Is that life you are now raising, the evidence of life, love and hope undeserving? Did you choose to keep a life only to cause it to regret decisions he or she did not make?

Your belief in a prince is in actual fact the only chance your child has at a better life. When you know that you are worth diamonds, worth gold. When you know that you wouldn’t choose to be anyone but who you are and acknowledge that every human needs a companion, you are going to be sending that message to the world. Your child or children will know that life has purpose. And a princess looking for a prince is not what many out there have started to think of single mom. She is not a desperado on the loose. She is a warm, gorgeous, wonderful person willing to give life that one more chance. Looking for a prince.