Running away

I’m running away. I don’t know if the destination will be deeper into me or to another place. But either way. I am leaving this place. Visions come, softly and warmly. Of Lisbon in my early teens, a guitar, a plane…no…an airport. And the taste of Lindt chocolate. The knowledge I have of Swiss bank accounts It’s a whirlwind, a maddening concoction of was and should be. So I am running away. I am taking my bag, my baby and I and getting as far from here as possible. To something more me. A newness and fullness. A great escape.

He will love it, join merchant ships and know the feel of Egyptian cotton and Arabian silks. He will know the scent of the finest perfumes and the feel of cockpit levers. I am going.

And when I am asked in the middle of the night why I am doing what I am doing I am going to say love made me do it. Love for myself, love lost, love sought, love. Running towards, running from. Love.

But I am going. To see what I long to see and feel what I long to feel. To be more than what I am have been. Maybe I will write for our meals, or dance for them. I’m not too old, 28, I’ll tone down, loosen up and become 18 again. And him, my darling my son will be my brother. Something he already is. A rule maker on when I can leave and why I should stay. Keeping watch over my bed and how he is dressed. At times even how I am dressed. Hmm all of almost three. My friend my companion. He has to see me play the guitar. He has to see the sea and the world when one is up in the sky.

I am doing it for him.

For living’s sake and heaven’s sake.

Either way I am leaving. How else do I show him who I am , what I am . Why and how he means the world to me. Where do I start showing him the glory? The magic, the sweetness that is this earth. How do I avoid boxing him in and losing his soul to lack? To limit?

No, I have to leave. And either go deeper inside of me to do so or search on this earth for a place that will have me and not try to enter my skin and toes